My daughter had a huge epiphany tonight. She tried to hide something from me. Only in the process of hiding, the whole ordeal, made her feel sick to her stomach. She couldn't eat, couldn't do her homework, couldn't even watch TV.
I tried to find out what it was causing her so much stress, but she refused to talk. Got snippy. Turned away. Our communication was nil. What she hid isn't important. It wasn't even that huge. But it was to her.
After awhile, it became too much for her. What she had tried to hide, was hidden no more. Her fear I would be angry or disappointed, caused her to hide from the very person who gave birth to her. Who would go to the ends of the earth to protect her.
It became a teaching moment. For her, AND for me. She learned that being dishonest, caused her to lose her relationship with me. I had not caused the loss. She had. Once she confessed, and was repentant, she felt much better, kept giving me hugs.
So it is with us and God. We sin.......we turn away, believing God thinks of us as a screw up. But He never walks away from our relationship with Him. We do. The amazing thing, is that He doesn't think of us as damaged. He thinks of us as His children, dearly loved......cherished.
Parenting tonight, gave me a sliver of insight into God's incredible love for us. We have a God who specializes in "Do-overs". And I am SO grateful.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Silent Treatment
Wow. Chris’ blog entry for Thursday, “Silent Treatment”, really fits with what's been going on with me this week. This is more than a response to his entry, (yeah, it’s a bit long…) so I’m posting it here in our blog space.
I messed up really big this week with something that has been a major ongoing struggle for me, overspending. Now if I told someone where I overspent they'd probably laugh or roll their eyes because it was at Goodwill, but that's beside the point. Ryan had already asked me a couple of times to watch my spending this month and then I go and blow $70 bucks at Goodwill despite of what he said. At the time, I wasn't thinking about purposefully disobeying, it just kinda creeps up on me and soon I've blown a whole lot more than I planned on spending.
I'm starting to notice that overspending is a whole lot like having an affair, or any other "big deal" sin. (Yes, sin is sin.) Its consequences can be severely damaging and it's like a mirror reflecting the state of my heart. Right now it's reflecting a big part of my life that I haven't learned to fully surrender to God yet. I already know that I need to, and I definitely want to, but it's a habit that I need to break and a priority shift needs to happen here.
If I believe what I say I do, about wanting to submit to my husband, about wanting to be debt free, and about having money freed up so that we can help others with what God has given us, then I have to get this sin under control. So, that's the first half of what Chris's entry reminded me of- the messing up... again and again. Like Paul said, I do what I don’t want to do and what I don’t want to do, I do. (I guess it’s nice to know I’m not alone, at least.)
The second part that really resonated with me is the part about the "silent treatment". The result of my action was anger and disappointment, and a full day of almost near silence between Ryan and us. I don't know for sure how much the silence hurt Ryan, but for me it was excruciating. The whole next day it was like there was this cloud hanging over me, even when I went to work. I knew I messed up. “I'm sorry” didn't seem appropriate, since I've done this again and again, and I pretty much felt like I should feel bad for my lack of self-control anyway. I prayed and asked God for His help- told Him I am so sorry and that I really do want to figure out some way to prevent this from happening again, but the rift between Ryan and I and the overall sense of guilt still hurt.
Then on my way to pick up the boys after work, the Lord spoke so strongly to me through one of Aaron Keyes' songs that I don’t think I’ve ever heard before, "Holy Surrender". I wasn't really paying any attention to the lyrics at all at that moment and then suddenly they stood out to me. I had to start the song over and listen again. The whole song was absolutely perfect for me in this situation, but the part that first caught me was this...
"I've done it again. I've given in, to the very sin that breaks Your heart. Now I return, fix my eyes on You. That's not who I am. That's not who I am in You..."
I listened to it until I got to the kids' daycare and then again in the car with the boys on our way home. Ethan was obviously paying attention to the words as well and began asking me what the song was about. I tried to explain to him about sin. About how we mess up and we do things that we know we shouldn't. These things hurt other people, they hurt ourselves, and they make Jesus really sad. The conversation went on for about five minutes about what I had done (he was more aware of it than I realized) and how God doesn't stay mad at us. He doesn't want us to stay stuck in feeling really guilty and sad. He wants us to ask Him for forgiveness and to ask Him for help so that we don't keep doing it, but then he wants us to know that He loves us just as much as ever and that we can move on. It was a really great conversation, even though I was in tears, and Ethan came up to me later that night and nicely whispered into my ear that I should tell Daddy I'm sorry.
The semi-silent treatment between Ryan and I didn't instantly dissolve. We still need to work through a lot of this issue, but I am so glad to know that I have a God who loves me so much that nothing I ever do will cause Him to hold a grudge and give me the silent treatment. And like Chris said, I know if God did give me the silent treatment it would be deserved, but our God is always approachable and is so quick to forgive. It just makes me want to draw even closer to Him. I am so thankful for that.
Melanie
I messed up really big this week with something that has been a major ongoing struggle for me, overspending. Now if I told someone where I overspent they'd probably laugh or roll their eyes because it was at Goodwill, but that's beside the point. Ryan had already asked me a couple of times to watch my spending this month and then I go and blow $70 bucks at Goodwill despite of what he said. At the time, I wasn't thinking about purposefully disobeying, it just kinda creeps up on me and soon I've blown a whole lot more than I planned on spending.
I'm starting to notice that overspending is a whole lot like having an affair, or any other "big deal" sin. (Yes, sin is sin.) Its consequences can be severely damaging and it's like a mirror reflecting the state of my heart. Right now it's reflecting a big part of my life that I haven't learned to fully surrender to God yet. I already know that I need to, and I definitely want to, but it's a habit that I need to break and a priority shift needs to happen here.
If I believe what I say I do, about wanting to submit to my husband, about wanting to be debt free, and about having money freed up so that we can help others with what God has given us, then I have to get this sin under control. So, that's the first half of what Chris's entry reminded me of- the messing up... again and again. Like Paul said, I do what I don’t want to do and what I don’t want to do, I do. (I guess it’s nice to know I’m not alone, at least.)
The second part that really resonated with me is the part about the "silent treatment". The result of my action was anger and disappointment, and a full day of almost near silence between Ryan and us. I don't know for sure how much the silence hurt Ryan, but for me it was excruciating. The whole next day it was like there was this cloud hanging over me, even when I went to work. I knew I messed up. “I'm sorry” didn't seem appropriate, since I've done this again and again, and I pretty much felt like I should feel bad for my lack of self-control anyway. I prayed and asked God for His help- told Him I am so sorry and that I really do want to figure out some way to prevent this from happening again, but the rift between Ryan and I and the overall sense of guilt still hurt.
Then on my way to pick up the boys after work, the Lord spoke so strongly to me through one of Aaron Keyes' songs that I don’t think I’ve ever heard before, "Holy Surrender". I wasn't really paying any attention to the lyrics at all at that moment and then suddenly they stood out to me. I had to start the song over and listen again. The whole song was absolutely perfect for me in this situation, but the part that first caught me was this...
"I've done it again. I've given in, to the very sin that breaks Your heart. Now I return, fix my eyes on You. That's not who I am. That's not who I am in You..."
I listened to it until I got to the kids' daycare and then again in the car with the boys on our way home. Ethan was obviously paying attention to the words as well and began asking me what the song was about. I tried to explain to him about sin. About how we mess up and we do things that we know we shouldn't. These things hurt other people, they hurt ourselves, and they make Jesus really sad. The conversation went on for about five minutes about what I had done (he was more aware of it than I realized) and how God doesn't stay mad at us. He doesn't want us to stay stuck in feeling really guilty and sad. He wants us to ask Him for forgiveness and to ask Him for help so that we don't keep doing it, but then he wants us to know that He loves us just as much as ever and that we can move on. It was a really great conversation, even though I was in tears, and Ethan came up to me later that night and nicely whispered into my ear that I should tell Daddy I'm sorry.
The semi-silent treatment between Ryan and I didn't instantly dissolve. We still need to work through a lot of this issue, but I am so glad to know that I have a God who loves me so much that nothing I ever do will cause Him to hold a grudge and give me the silent treatment. And like Chris said, I know if God did give me the silent treatment it would be deserved, but our God is always approachable and is so quick to forgive. It just makes me want to draw even closer to Him. I am so thankful for that.
Melanie
Friday, September 12, 2008
For Thursday...
S: Dan 1:8
O: I wonder at Daniel's resolve here. It's hard enough to follow God in all things when everything is good let alone when situations are dire. But more than just following commandments, Daniel followed in FAITH that God would honor and provide. He was willing to give up all the physical comforts so that his actions would keep the commandments and honor His God.
A: How hard is it for me to do what God desires when I'm comfortable? What about when I'm uncomfortable with life? Am I quick to turn to God's word and apply it to my life, or reach out for prayer and support from my brothers and sisters? Let alone just pray to God by myself when things are not the best? How I desire to have the faith to just turn to God in my times of distress instead of wallowing in despair and ugliness.
I would even venture to say that Daniel did hurt and was very sad. The first chapter is a quick over view of a lot of actual time. But the fact remains that know matter what Daniel was feeling, his ACTIONS are what counts. He did not forsake God but embraced Him and was rewarded for his faithfulness and faith. God likens us to children so often, the only reason I can understand this (right now at this point in my life) is because the one things children have is faith in the unknown and hard to explain (Aside: look at Peter Pan and how that story progresses. Its about faith and happiness, fighting the evil and celebrating friends...before they grow up).
Today, 9/12 the Psalms 81:10 "...open your mouth wide so that I may fill it." I just see a small child and a caring father trying to feed him. The child is not willing to take what is nourishing and good, but the father is patient and loving and sits with the child coaxing him to open his mouth. Why do we fight and struggle against all the joys God has for us? Sure sometimes we need to eat mushed Lima beans, but all the stuff that follows is glorious because He provides all that we need. It's another kid analogy to me...hmmmm.
N8
O: I wonder at Daniel's resolve here. It's hard enough to follow God in all things when everything is good let alone when situations are dire. But more than just following commandments, Daniel followed in FAITH that God would honor and provide. He was willing to give up all the physical comforts so that his actions would keep the commandments and honor His God.
A: How hard is it for me to do what God desires when I'm comfortable? What about when I'm uncomfortable with life? Am I quick to turn to God's word and apply it to my life, or reach out for prayer and support from my brothers and sisters? Let alone just pray to God by myself when things are not the best? How I desire to have the faith to just turn to God in my times of distress instead of wallowing in despair and ugliness.
I would even venture to say that Daniel did hurt and was very sad. The first chapter is a quick over view of a lot of actual time. But the fact remains that know matter what Daniel was feeling, his ACTIONS are what counts. He did not forsake God but embraced Him and was rewarded for his faithfulness and faith. God likens us to children so often, the only reason I can understand this (right now at this point in my life) is because the one things children have is faith in the unknown and hard to explain (Aside: look at Peter Pan and how that story progresses. Its about faith and happiness, fighting the evil and celebrating friends...before they grow up).
Today, 9/12 the Psalms 81:10 "...open your mouth wide so that I may fill it." I just see a small child and a caring father trying to feed him. The child is not willing to take what is nourishing and good, but the father is patient and loving and sits with the child coaxing him to open his mouth. Why do we fight and struggle against all the joys God has for us? Sure sometimes we need to eat mushed Lima beans, but all the stuff that follows is glorious because He provides all that we need. It's another kid analogy to me...hmmmm.
N8
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Just a thought...
The last few days journal-ing have been really personal, not something I wanted to post on a public forum. But I actually had a life illuminating realization the other day that I thought I would share.
I received Christ as my savior when I was 5 in Mrs. King's kindergarten Sunday school class at First Baptist (downtown Salem if you were curious). As I have grown up I wondered at times if I was actually saved, did I actually commit my life to Christ, did I know enough to do that? So many questions that I was unsure of my salvation...which is not a comfortable spot to be in.
But then I read again, for who knows how many times I've read it before, Mark 10. Where Christ is accepting the children to Him and admonishes the adults for holding them back. “…Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it” (Mark 10:14,15 NIV).
When I was 5 I accepted my salvation for what it was, a gift. I didn't' have to understand it, I just knew I had it and I accepted it. It wasn't until I had grown in age and wisdom of the world that I began to question my salvation. The world cannot understand the gracious gift from God. But a child can because they don't question the gift or the giver. They just accept.
I received Christ as my savior when I was 5 in Mrs. King's kindergarten Sunday school class at First Baptist (downtown Salem if you were curious). As I have grown up I wondered at times if I was actually saved, did I actually commit my life to Christ, did I know enough to do that? So many questions that I was unsure of my salvation...which is not a comfortable spot to be in.
But then I read again, for who knows how many times I've read it before, Mark 10. Where Christ is accepting the children to Him and admonishes the adults for holding them back. “…Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it” (Mark 10:14,15 NIV).
When I was 5 I accepted my salvation for what it was, a gift. I didn't' have to understand it, I just knew I had it and I accepted it. It wasn't until I had grown in age and wisdom of the world that I began to question my salvation. The world cannot understand the gracious gift from God. But a child can because they don't question the gift or the giver. They just accept.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Waiting
We have such an amazing God. He knows how to reach out to each of us in a way that draws us closer to Him. For me this week it was in song......
I've been in worry mode. Not a good place to be. But in the midst of all my worrying, the words to a song on the radio pierced my heart........"Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord, wait upon the Lord we will wait, upon the Lord". I thought of the verse that says to delight myself in the Lord and He will give me the desires of my heart, and the verse that says "you have not because you have not asked"......"Seek first, the kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you......I teared up, and began singing "You are the Everlasting God", repenting for my lack of faith, my lack of patience and worshipped.....
Isaiah 40:31 (The Message)
But those who wait upon God get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles,
They run and don't get tired, they walk and don't lag behind.
I've been in worry mode. Not a good place to be. But in the midst of all my worrying, the words to a song on the radio pierced my heart........"Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord, wait upon the Lord we will wait, upon the Lord". I thought of the verse that says to delight myself in the Lord and He will give me the desires of my heart, and the verse that says "you have not because you have not asked"......"Seek first, the kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you......I teared up, and began singing "You are the Everlasting God", repenting for my lack of faith, my lack of patience and worshipped.....
Isaiah 40:31 (The Message)
But those who wait upon God get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles,
They run and don't get tired, they walk and don't lag behind.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
The OT...
I often find it difficult to use the OT as a place to find applicable verses for my life. That may not sound right, but give me a minute to explain. The OT, to me, deals primarily with the Chosen people of God and is often historical in nature even when reading the prophets.
What I do find applicable to my life from the OT is that we learn about God the Father and His nature. How He responds to His people Israel, how He is patient and slow to anger, Loving and Giving and Jealous of His people's attention and adoration (I use adjectives as pronouns because I believe the words could be names of God because of His nature).
So in Ez 23:30 I don't pray that I be the man who builds a wall and stands in the gap. But I do thank God for giving me a better insight to His Justice. It's the knowledge of Him that I can gain from the OT that gives me an awesome fear of God, therefore leading to wisdom because I begin to know Him better. I am not fearful because I am a sinner and fear His punishment, I am fearful because He is ALL things and all He says is Truth and Justice.
That all made sense in my head, hopefully it makes sense as you read it too.
Enjoy today!
N8 K
What I do find applicable to my life from the OT is that we learn about God the Father and His nature. How He responds to His people Israel, how He is patient and slow to anger, Loving and Giving and Jealous of His people's attention and adoration (I use adjectives as pronouns because I believe the words could be names of God because of His nature).
So in Ez 23:30 I don't pray that I be the man who builds a wall and stands in the gap. But I do thank God for giving me a better insight to His Justice. It's the knowledge of Him that I can gain from the OT that gives me an awesome fear of God, therefore leading to wisdom because I begin to know Him better. I am not fearful because I am a sinner and fear His punishment, I am fearful because He is ALL things and all He says is Truth and Justice.
That all made sense in my head, hopefully it makes sense as you read it too.
Enjoy today!
N8 K
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
From Nathan K.
For me today it was Psalm 111:10. Fear is such a misunderstood word. The fear spoken of here is not a fear of reprimand or correction caused by sin. I think it's the fear of awe and wonder. Wisdom begins when we fear God for who He is. We start using wisdom when we start realizing God's awesome-ness, thereby casting a shadow on the rest of the world. God is so huge that just by starting to comprehend Him we can have no other room for the world and Satan's lies within us.
That just hit me right off and I can't even remember what else I read.
That just hit me right off and I can't even remember what else I read.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
This one's for you
This blog is all yours. Sound off for everyone to hear. Tell us what God is teaching you. Email me for the access information. Chris
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