Silent Treatment

Wow. Chris’ blog entry for Thursday, “Silent Treatment”, really fits with what's been going on with me this week. This is more than a response to his entry, (yeah, it’s a bit long…) so I’m posting it here in our blog space.
I messed up really big this week with something that has been a major ongoing struggle for me, overspending. Now if I told someone where I overspent they'd probably laugh or roll their eyes because it was at Goodwill, but that's beside the point. Ryan had already asked me a couple of times to watch my spending this month and then I go and blow $70 bucks at Goodwill despite of what he said. At the time, I wasn't thinking about purposefully disobeying, it just kinda creeps up on me and soon I've blown a whole lot more than I planned on spending.

I'm starting to notice that overspending is a whole lot like having an affair, or any other "big deal" sin. (Yes, sin is sin.) Its consequences can be severely damaging and it's like a mirror reflecting the state of my heart. Right now it's reflecting a big part of my life that I haven't learned to fully surrender to God yet. I already know that I need to, and I definitely want to, but it's a habit that I need to break and a priority shift needs to happen here.

If I believe what I say I do, about wanting to submit to my husband, about wanting to be debt free, and about having money freed up so that we can help others with what God has given us, then I have to get this sin under control. So, that's the first half of what Chris's entry reminded me of- the messing up... again and again. Like Paul said, I do what I don’t want to do and what I don’t want to do, I do. (I guess it’s nice to know I’m not alone, at least.)

The second part that really resonated with me is the part about the "silent treatment". The result of my action was anger and disappointment, and a full day of almost near silence between Ryan and us. I don't know for sure how much the silence hurt Ryan, but for me it was excruciating. The whole next day it was like there was this cloud hanging over me, even when I went to work. I knew I messed up. “I'm sorry” didn't seem appropriate, since I've done this again and again, and I pretty much felt like I should feel bad for my lack of self-control anyway. I prayed and asked God for His help- told Him I am so sorry and that I really do want to figure out some way to prevent this from happening again, but the rift between Ryan and I and the overall sense of guilt still hurt.

Then on my way to pick up the boys after work, the Lord spoke so strongly to me through one of Aaron Keyes' songs that I don’t think I’ve ever heard before, "Holy Surrender". I wasn't really paying any attention to the lyrics at all at that moment and then suddenly they stood out to me. I had to start the song over and listen again. The whole song was absolutely perfect for me in this situation, but the part that first caught me was this...
"I've done it again. I've given in, to the very sin that breaks Your heart. Now I return, fix my eyes on You. That's not who I am. That's not who I am in You..."

I listened to it until I got to the kids' daycare and then again in the car with the boys on our way home. Ethan was obviously paying attention to the words as well and began asking me what the song was about. I tried to explain to him about sin. About how we mess up and we do things that we know we shouldn't. These things hurt other people, they hurt ourselves, and they make Jesus really sad. The conversation went on for about five minutes about what I had done (he was more aware of it than I realized) and how God doesn't stay mad at us. He doesn't want us to stay stuck in feeling really guilty and sad. He wants us to ask Him for forgiveness and to ask Him for help so that we don't keep doing it, but then he wants us to know that He loves us just as much as ever and that we can move on. It was a really great conversation, even though I was in tears, and Ethan came up to me later that night and nicely whispered into my ear that I should tell Daddy I'm sorry.

The semi-silent treatment between Ryan and I didn't instantly dissolve. We still need to work through a lot of this issue, but I am so glad to know that I have a God who loves me so much that nothing I ever do will cause Him to hold a grudge and give me the silent treatment. And like Chris said, I know if God did give me the silent treatment it would be deserved, but our God is always approachable and is so quick to forgive. It just makes me want to draw even closer to Him. I am so thankful for that.

Melanie